As I share my feelings about my son, understand I know that we belong to God the Father. I know my son was a gift to me. He was given to me to love and to raise into a young man. What I am sharing is my heart. I recognize that God created James. God loves J unconditionally. God has plans for his life. God died on the cross for him. God will guide him all the days of his life, even after I have gone. Just so you know...that I know....
My son James changed my heart forever. I loved my parents, I loved my husband but never had my heart experienced the love I felt the very first time I laid my eyes on my newborn son. The love and joy poured from me....in the form of tears. I fell, for the first time, madly...deeply in love. He was the most beautiful baby in the world. He was more precious to me than life itself. I could not get enough of him.
He was born by C'section at 11:57 p.m. in an operating room in Eugene Oregon. They wrapped him before bringing him behind the cloth that separates your head from the rest of your body. Those who have had c'sections know what I mean. The midwife who attended to me, along with my husband, held him down for me to kiss his cheek. I was the first one to ever kiss him. I was the first one to love him with my whole heart.
Due to a reaction to the anesthesia I was not able to see my son until the next morning. I could barely move. I could barely talk but I managed to get my call light, mumble that I wanted to see my baby and within minutes there he was. Beautiful. Peaceful. Mine! There was no hat on his head this time. All I could see was beautiful THICK black hair. More than I had ever seen on any baby in our family. Him and I shared a hospital room for 4 looooong days. But now that I look back, I would take those days again. If I could step back in time, I would go back to that stark white hospital and hold my 6.9lb son. I would kiss him, hold him, sing to him and know that at that moment he was ALL mine.
As he grew he loved snakes, bugs, lizards, video games, Ninja Turtles, playing sports, and Pepsi (and still does). He didn't always want to help me trim bushes or clean up fall droppings but he would obey and then we would have a great time together.
I have never been disappointed in my son. There were a few times when he made choices that made me angry or sad but NEVER disappointed. I did not spoil him, but I did adore him. I gave him as much as I was capable. He has given me more in return than he will ever know.
There was a time when I was a single Mom and he was in High School football and I was sitting in the freezing bleachers all alone (my parents had my other 3 younger kids) that I thought to myself "This is MY son and for him I am here and for him I am thankful to have this opportunity to share in his life. Right now he is ALL mine." He wasn't awarded medals or honors or whatever, but he was a kind and respectful young man. I would received endless praise about.
My heart was sad when he decided to drop out of college but I did not get angry at him. I knew, like me, he had to find his own way.
He met a young woman and fell in love and since then he is no longer mine. He married that beautiful Christian woman , she took his heart. As well as it should be....scripture says. BUT NOW?.....he has given me that precious little creation called a grandson. I will make new memories. I will love and adore that new little baby boy. I will have moments that will be just for me. Moments when C will be ALL mine.
Though J will never be mine again, I do have one thing no one can take from me...I have the memories of that tiny little baby boy born in Eugene Oregon. I have the memories of him giving me kisses as a toddler. I have the memories of the beaming proud little boy with a 5ft long Bull snake wrapped around his arm. I have the memories of him waving at me from the football field. I have the memories of his tears on the day he was baptized as an adult. I have MANY MANY memories, and in my memories THAT little boy...THAT young man...will always be ALL mine!
Happy Birthday my boy! I love you with all my heart!!!