Monday, January 27, 2014

I'm already 49?!?!?

My birthday has come and gone and I am now in my last year of my 40's. Seems rather odd saying my age...49...it just doesn't seem right. It's not that I am so 'young at heart' but I did get kinda stuck in my 30's I guess. Though my mind and heart are still not caught up to my chronological age, my body has. Aches and pains and failing eyes. gads! I have managed to lose a few pounds since January 1st and keep doing some sort of work out. I have not been consistent but I am doing something most days. I reinjured my back in November and I am still struggling through that. It's pretty frustrating not being able to do what I normally do or as long as I normally would do something. I am still hopeful it will get better and it will go back to it's pre-existing condition. I know my extra weight has contributed to the problem. I have been able to walk farther on the treadmill without wanting to throw up due to the back pain and I can walk through the grocery store longer without whining and whimpering as much. So, I guess it is improving...some. So, 49! Hm...I remember when my mom turned 40...she seemed 'soooo old.' 49 doesn't seem too old these days. I would prefer to be in my 30's but it is what it is. Age never really bothered me too much. I think maybe that's because I was the youngest in family, I was always the youngest of my friends (due to marrying someone when I was young and they already had kids...moves you up a few age brackets) and then when I worked outside the home I was usually the youngest in my departments. Now I am one of the 'mature' women at church. I no longer work outside of the home but when I get around the moms of my kids' friends...once again I feel my age. Because of adopting my younger kiddos, that now puts me into a younger age bracket. Life is weird...interesting...surprising...just as it should be. I do wish I had advanced electronics when I was a young mom. What a difference in my life it would have made to have the ability to connect with family and friends and people from school. Oh how I would have loved pinterst. All I had was a library in a small town with very outdated craft books. I couldn't afford to buy them. When I left the Willamette Valley and my husband and kids moved to Easter Oregon, oh how Skype, FaceTime and Blogging would have helped. My faith was as strong as it should have been and I didn't rely on God as much as I could have. I felt so alone and so trapped. I made a few friends but it wasn't like my family. My family was 8 hours away and a mountain pass stood between us. I felt I was in another world. There were so many blessings. We had 43 acres. We had cows and chickens, and pigs, and horse. I milked a cow and gathered eggs. I made home made butter, bread, and canned our garden goods. It was the life I had so wanted....but I didn't have my family or my church family. I never connected with anyone as deeply. It made it hard. I tried filling my time with my kids but even that was struggle. I became a mom too young. I didn't know how to parent. Only what was modeled to me and that was not necessarily the right way. But twist and turns in life take you in different directions especially when you are the one controlling the ship. Making choices I shouldn't have. Going down roads that were not the best choice...and then somehow getting to where I am and knowing now God was with all the way. I know in my heart my choices did not please Him. I know he had an easier route for me to take, but nerveless...He still loved me through it. He will still get me to where He wants me. I still suffer painful consequences of the past choices I have made, but I also experience the blessings of a life redeemed. Still not where I should be in my faith walk, but still walking. Gaining strength everyday. If this person I am could go back 20+ years and take with me what I have learned, I do believe things would have been different....at least less consequences to experience. I must keep moving forward though. Life is not what I would desire it to be right now...but I know it could have been worse and I know I am not dead yet so there is still more life to come. More weirdness, more surprises.... I have a husband who goes to work everyday to make wages for his family. A husband who works hard to be able to support us so his wife can stay home. I have 5 (at home) amazing kids that bless me everyday! They are so beautiful and so perfect. I have 2 adult kids who married wonderful people. They have given me 3 grand sons and there is one on the way. How beautiful and amazing is that?!?! God is blessing me more than I deserve. After I have turned my back on him twice in my life...He still continues to bless me. What an amazing God He is! Soooo...I'm ONLY 49 and God willing I will walk this amazing life for many more years to come and will be blown away to where He allows this life to go. Oh how I hope from this day forward I can impact peoples lives for the better. I pray I no longer lose loved ones or acquaintances due to my selfishness or my blindness...speaking out of anger! I pray I can impart love at all times....even when it's hard. I pray I can keep my trap shut when God so directs. I pray I can be found good and faithful when my time on this earth is over. I pray when I celebrate my very last birthday I can say, 'Hallelujah' this was a great ride...take me home...I am ready for Jesus to write my Epilogue...yes...my Epilogue! Hallelujah!

Thursday, January 16, 2014

I have many times signed on to write a blog post and then there are too many interruptions or I feel I have nothing of value to write...so I end up signing off. It's been several months since I posted last. Our last three foster placements were all transferred, either to other foster homes or family. It was a huge challenge this time. The last wee one we had (or was allowed by us) to have the power to keep our home in a turmoil. She was only 3 years old (turned 4 while she was here) but she had a very challenging personality that did not mix with the majority of my household. She, for good reason, had a very negative spirit and could throw the biggest screaming tantrums I have ever experienced. If she didn't have such a negative effect on my family, I really believe she could have been loved through it. She did get returned to a parent and in this case I believe that was a good thing. So, we only had her 4 1/2 months and I hope we were able to plant some seeds of love and joy...because she sure needs that. The state transferred while my other kids and I were in California. I was not happy about it and it all started coming down the day before I left for our trip. It was stressful and ugly and for that...I decided to take a break from the state...not the kids but the state. That is the most challenging aspect of foster parenting, for me that is. Enough on that... We decided to send my husband to Texas for a visit with his mom and some of his sisters. I have been trying to get him to go but he always backs out. He would want me to go but its so difficult finding someone to help with kids and dogs so it was just easier to send him. I finally talked him into going alone and it went great. He was thankful he went and so was I. We then decided to send the kids and I on a vacation. We went to San Diego to visit my two grandsons and their 'parents.' Hee hee. Ok...I went to see my daughter as well. While we were there we surprised them with a trip to Disneyland, California Adventure, and Knox Berry Farm. They were shocked and excited. I had bought each of them a Disney Tshirt and wrapped them and had them open them at my daughters house. It was so cute to watch their faces. I had to leave my daughter and grandsons behind when we went to Anaheim, but they handled it well and we were only gone 3 nights. We had a great, yet exhausting, time. The rest of our vacation was spent at my daughters house. I loved being with them. My heart started to ache a couple of nights before we had to leave...just the thought of leaving them was so painful. Never knowing when we would see them again is so hard. The boys get so sad when we leave too. Little did we know though we would get some great news.... Once home, we barely adjusted to being home when my dad took a tumble in their carport and broke his hip. My mom and I spent the night in the hospital waiting for him to have surgery. It all went well. The next day was Thanksgiving and I woke up from a nap...sick! So Thanksgiving was...different, but some family members showed up and pulled everything together for my mom. It was nice. Dad spend a week in the hospital. He had problems getting his bowels working right. He was in a lot of pain. When he was discharged they admitted him into a rehab center...aka Nursing Home. He did not handle that well and I don't blame him...nI have worked in them...I know what they are like...but it couldn't be helped. He needed to get stronger before going home. A week later my mom and him checked him out without permission...they were done. He is now doing great. Needs to get stronger...but otherwise doing great. Christmas then showed up in the blink of an eye. I wasn't ready. Had the few gifts bought that we had agreed on, but I wanted it to last longer. I enjoy the lights, the music, the feeling...it passed too quickly. One highlight for me is on Christmas Eve, my two oldest girls (15 & 16) and I sang trio of O'Holy Night. I loved it. It was a blessing to me and from reports, it was a blessing to others. Here we are, into a new year already. This year will be different...it will be better! My husband and I will get healthier and smaller. Praying for the foster kids that will be coming into our future. I still have a heart for adoption but we are getting older. My husband turned 50 on the 1st of January and I will be 49 this month as well. It is in Gods hands. His will be done. This year will be focused on digging into Gods word daily, increasing my prayer life, speaking more positive in all situations and taking better care of myself. As my pastor said, "rebuilding the temple." Amen! God is leading...God is Good...and God is my King!