We made it to Hawaii and I have returned...alone. I had never been to Hawaii so it was exciting to see it and get to see a few historical landmarks and some traditional Hawaiian spots, such as Waikiki...BUT just as I thought my heart was weighed down the entire time. It didn't help that my little guy had a bad rash on his bottom that made him very uncomfortable and cranky and that my daughters monthly friend returned the day after we arrived there. Then the day I was to leave she developed a bladder infection. Yeh...all that really helped me want to leave...not! I needed to stay to care for them. But I did my duty and I loaded my bags, made my way through security with tears streaming down my face and then got around the corner and had a cry fest. I wanted to sob...but I at least controlled that. I only cried a few tears as my plane left the island and I left my precious kids behind. It's been hard to shake the sadness...I hope it passes. I do...I want to be happy for them and about them. I truly do.
It was an interesting and exhausting trip. I did enjoy being the Nana Nanny. My little guy slept with me the first two nights and then slept in his portacrib my last night. I rocked him to sleep each night and fed him breakfast each morning. I sat in the back seat of the rental car when we would go places and oh how I love that little face. He has a way about him...he is very contemplative. He stares into your eyes and he has the sweetest eyes ever. I love that little man...I miss him so much.
So, I am waiting on the Lord. Waiting to see what the lesson is. Man...the trials I have been going through are exhausting. Many of which I don't share with anyone. But let me tell you...I feel like an empty vessel most days. That is not the way to live and I waiting...waiting for wisdom, waiting for change. Waiting on the Lord. That is the best I can do.