Thursday, August 26, 2010

I Returned

We made it to Hawaii and I have returned...alone. I had never been to Hawaii so it was exciting to see it and get to see a few historical landmarks and some traditional Hawaiian spots, such as Waikiki...BUT just as I thought my heart was weighed down the entire time. It didn't help that my little guy had a bad rash on his bottom that made him very uncomfortable and cranky and that my daughters monthly friend returned the day after we arrived there. Then the day I was to leave she developed a bladder infection. Yeh...all that really helped me want to leave...not! I needed to stay to care for them. But I did my duty and I loaded my bags, made my way through security with tears streaming down my face and then got around the corner and had a cry fest. I wanted to sob...but I at least controlled that. I only cried a few tears as my plane left the island and I left my precious kids behind. It's been hard to shake the sadness...I hope it passes. I do...I want to be happy for them and about them. I truly do.
It was an interesting and exhausting trip. I did enjoy being the Nana Nanny. My little guy slept with me the first two nights and then slept in his portacrib my last night. I rocked him to sleep each night and fed him breakfast each morning. I sat in the back seat of the rental car when we would go places and oh how I love that little face. He has a way about him...he is very contemplative. He stares into your eyes and he has the sweetest eyes ever. I love that little man...I miss him so much.
So, I am waiting on the Lord. Waiting to see what the lesson is. Man...the trials I have been going through are exhausting. Many of which I don't share with anyone. But let me tell you...I feel like an empty vessel most days. That is not the way to live and I waiting...waiting for wisdom, waiting for change. Waiting on the Lord. That is the best I can do.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

No big deal

So, I did finally find out what the 'call' was about and it wasn't that big of deal. Something a 'loving' family member accused me of years ago and decided to resurrect it when I started fostering. The state didn't take it too seriously but had to follow up on it. I explained everything and they were satisfied. I won't go into details, just know I am ok and even more important...the kiddos are ok. All is well. The 'dark one' tried to stop what God set into motion but it didn't work. God was victorious duh! Of course He was! He IS the Alpha and the Omega...the creator, the savior, the everlasting Almighty God!
I am glad though that little bump in the road is done...for now! The liers and the backstabbers REALLY need to move on and get a life!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

My girl is leaving...

My daughter K will be leaving for Hawaii tomorrow and will be taking my precious grandson also. I do have the blessing of going along with her, but oh how my heart is heavy and will even say that it is broken. I will miss her so much but my grieving is over my grandson. The thought of missing him grow and change is so hard. The thought of not kissing and snuggling him at least once twice a week is heart breaking. He will be a different little boy when I see him next. God willing that will be December...when he is one. Then I won't see him til next summer. It's just so much for my heart. I hope to enjoy our time there...but I already know that my heart will be so heavy.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

What If's

Yesterday I got up early to 'spiff' the house up in preparation of a visitor...a visitor of legal sorts. The Legal Assistant to an attorney for one of my kiddos. So I am 'spiffing' the house and get over to my desk where I see I have a message on my phone. Weird...I didn't even know I had missed a call on Monday or Tuesday. So I listen and suddenly what, if any bliss I had while cleaning pretty much came crashing down. It was our state certifier (now I share this story as not a way to air dirty laundry but to allow you the opportunity to share in this experience and to learn along with me) and she said she had received a report she needs to discuss with me. Nothing extremely serious but needed to be addressed. There are probably some out there that would hit delete and let it go. Oh no, not me. I have a weakness (well several...but this is the one being addressed), I worry. She didn't give me any clue as to what the 'report' was so I can't even tell you how many scenarios have gone through my mind. Thinking...what if I have yelled one too many times at the kids? What if I did not make them keep their rooms clean enough. Is my room too dirty? What if I don't make them bathe often not every 2 or 3 days enough? What if MK was mad at Papa Larry because she got in trouble for talking back...did she tell them he was "mean?" What if it's because I have late bills? What if the kids told a lie (I doubt it)? What if it's because the day Papa L babysat he didn't feed them lunch before going of on a visit? When I asked him why, he said "they never said they were hungry." Ugh!.....So, yeh. I pretty much obsess over things. I DON'T like surprises so I try to think of every possibility. Sadly, the certifier only works Mondays and Tuesday....I will have to wait a week for the 'results'...I mean the phone call.
We are not bad people. I don't abuse or neglect my kids so why would something like this tap into my 'dark' side...that worry section!
It's still nagging at me...but I am going to try and let go of it. Focus on the kids today. I have plans to take them to some of our local waterfalls. It's free, it's close, and it's beautiful.
So today, Lord, help me to live Matthew 6:34 'Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." AMEN!!!