Monday, March 9, 2009

Peace

I am still here. Still trying to get myself and the family well. Too tired to type most days and some days too tired to think much. I am on auto pilot. Probably not just the flu but the world around us in general. I try not to worry and basically I don't think I am (don't have time) but there are worrisome things. My son is unemployed...has been since November. Not only do I have that situation on my mind, that situation can affect us greatly. Not only does he have a wife and my grandson to care for, they live in our old home and they pay the mortgage payments. The payments are small but if we have to make those payments because they can not, it can greatly affect our already maxed out budget. So, though I don't sit and worry about, it is a worrisome.
My eldest daughter (who lives on her own) has no transportation at times for her to get to work or home again. It would mean her walking alone at 6:30 a.m. (no bus at that time) or walking home at night at 9 p.m. (no bus in her area at that time either). So, I don't stress about it but it does cause one to worry some. I transport when I can, and when she does ask, but can't always and don't always. I can not live with the thought of her walking alone at night and if anything were to happen to her I would not be able to live with myself. I pray that somehow she is able to get herself a vehicle though even with that comes a different set of concerns. So I don't sit and worry about her, but the situation is worrisome.
Not being filled with your place of fellowship is a worrisome thing also. I don't worry about it, but it is heavy on my mind. So many aspects to consider in changing fellowships, the greatest of all is ensuring it is of the Lord. Trying to be open minded and hearted to the Lord so that direction can come. Constantly checking and rechecking what seems to be the leading of the Holy Spirit can at times be tiresome also. Want to do what is right in Gods eyes, do what is right for your family, and knowing there will be those who you leave behind. It's worrisome.

Struggling daily in a difficult marriage is worrisome...though I don't sit and worry, it is worrisome. It takes most of your emotional strength....leaving little behind for others. What a waste of time. It is worrisome to give so much and to have so little left to do what is important, important for the kingdom of God. The difficulties shouldn't be there, in the marriage that is. Focusing on Christ instead of self would give freedom. Then freedom would lead to ministry. It's tiring...it's worrisome.

Homeschooling is great but it is worrisome. I consider daily 'will we be successful?' "Am I walking in Gods leading?" "Am I doing the best I can?" "Will I help my daughters or hinder?" "Am I giving them enough?" "Will this affect their future in a positive way or negative?" I feel solid in our decision to home school but still those thoughts creep in. So, truly I don't sit and worry but your child's education and future are a worrisome thing.

This little being I have been entrusted with to care for until the possibility of return to her parent is a worrisome thing. I have fallen so madly in love with her and yet she is not mine and may never be. The 'never be' part maybe wouldn't be so difficult to handle if her 'parent' was someone who saw what a great treasure this little one is, not just something 'neat.' If this parent would do all she could to grow and mature and ensure she was emotionally sound to care for this baby. But all that said, it is my opinion this parent is not. So daily I look into those gorgeous big blue eyes and see what kind of stability we can offer, all the while knowing that she could possibly be given back to the bio parent in the very near future and then live daily with only God knows what. Now I try not to worry about this situation, but it I do worry. I worry about her, I worry about my family if we lose her, and I worry about my mind and heart. I worry if i will have the strength to continue this ministry. THEN I remember...it's not MY ministry, it is Jehovah's ministry.
I am weak but HE is strong.
With all this said, the one reason that I can refocus constantly to keep from 'worrying' is because of my creator. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, he holds me and my loved ones in his hand. He may allow trials for the purpose of refining us, but I know he will not allow more than we can handle. I know I have given him not only my soul, but I have given him my life. I live for him. He has blessed me with 'much' and i so want to return 'much' to him. I want my life to reflect him and honor him. He knew before the beginning of time who I would be, where I would be, and what I would be doing and yet HE chose me to care for these kids (the adult ones and the little ones). He chose me to love this man called husband. He chose me to fall in love with the brothers and sisters at our current fellowship. ALL of this HE chose and prepared....so I know He has already prepared the road yet to be traveled. He knows the outcome, he says....

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I LOVE HIM, I have been called according to HIS purpose so I can rest assured he will work all things for the good. I must daily, hourly, every minute keep my focus on HIM.


Our Savior tells us....

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" John 16:33


Peace in Him. In all this turmoil we can have peace because our life, our eternal life is secure. This world has nothing to offer us but fake happiness and security. This world is preparing us, changing us, refining us for our eternal future. We don't have to worry or fret. We have what we need, let's pray for each other to live in it.....live in that peace. The peace that must dwell in our hearts and in our minds.

Praise and worship the Prince of Peace. JESUS

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