Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Catching up

Not sure why life seems to be on an endless treadmill of trials, but it is. I remember years ago when the 'low tide' seemed to last for months before the next 'high tide' would come in...now...it seems I may get a day or two sometimes even a week, but that's stretching it.
Let me lay it out:
January
Car wreck, totalling my van and wrecking my nerves
February
My sister in law has a stroke and is diagnosised with diabetes
March
Japan has an earthquake, sets off a Tsunami, my pregnant daughter and 15mth old grandson are on the Island of Honolulu...ALONE...at night with warning sirens going off. She has no idea what to do or where to go. She finally connected with another Navy wife and they comforted each other and kept each company all night. What a sickening, helpless feeling for me as a Mama.
April
My foster daughter fell and cut her arm badly on a chain link fence. When
I heard her screaming and coming to the house, my heart felt like it stopped. As my
front door opened I was terrified as to what I would see. It was bad, not as bad as it could have been but the worse injury I have ever seen. We spent 5 painful, stressful, exhausting hours in the E.R. and she had 14 stitches.
May
My Beloved Mother goes in to have her heart checked because of some symptoms she had been having, she then had to go in for a 'stress' test and it came back saying there was 'obstructions.' She was then scheduled for a heart Stint. The day of that procedure the doctor came out and informed us she was going to need heart bypass surgery...TRIPLE bypass. My heart literally fell into my stomach. It was scheduled for the following Thursday.

The following Tuesday my adult son came home from work with severe stomach         pain and then vomiting. A trip to the ER, released a few hours later and only to return the next night. Two people in my life with serious medical problems..I honestly didn't know how I would hold up. I was in the midst of other huge trials in my life and then all of this came along. My son spent 2 weeks in and out of the hospital, 4 E.R. trips and finally he was diagnosed with Vasculitis and was put on  Prednisone. My mom came through surgery like a champ. She was released from the hospital 4 days after surgery. Remarkable and quite terrifying!!! They are both doing well. Life is a little more uncertain for both of them, but they are doing good. PRAISE GOD

And through all this...I survived. I aged 10 years, this was HUGE stuff to me and I felt on the breaking point with all of it...I know there are worse things and I won't even speak those things, but for me...this was right on the cusp of too much. I don't like the cusp. Now to look back and see if I have learned anything. I am still in the midst of a huge trial so it's hard to find time to seek out what lessons were learned, but I won't give up. I do believe God is trying to break this spirited hard head, for whatever purpose...I don't know. There is a purpose to everything.

My daughter is in Hawaii due to have my grandson any day. It has been a rough road for her...and for me. Because the 'loads' she carries I carry along with her. My heart breaks that I have not been able to share in this pregnancy with her. My heart breaks that I can not use our money to fly there to be with her. My heart breaks that my grandson could be months old before I meet him. It doesn't seem right. This is not the kind of mother I am...this is not the kind of life I imagined with or for my kids. We were always so close. This is hard for me...this is hard on me!!! Aspects of my life I hate...other aspects of my life I adore and wouldn't change it.

Took me an hour to write this with MANY interruptions. I love my kids...I adore my kids...I can tell that I am tired because so often I think about a vacation...away from my kids. To get away from all of this. Away from my home, my kids, my dogs and yes...my marriage! I guess I need a retreat more than a vacation.

That is the scoop...appears it's going to be a loooong year!
Come Lord Jesus, Come!
 


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